“You’d probably be more comfortable if you took more clothes off” is one of the dumbest lines that actually works on me
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Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”