“You’d probably be more comfortable if you took more clothes off” is one of the dumbest lines that actually works on me
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I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.