You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
You Might Also Like
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
me working on my assignments ^-^
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off