Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
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Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Daughter: why does that guy with the whistle keep interrupting the football game?
Me: because mommy isn’t there to do it.
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligees.
[Unfortunately,she was just coming home]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
My ex got run down by a bus today.
I thought “Wow, that could have been me!”
But I can’t drive a bus.
Pretty cool to think every time the Verizon guy said “Can you hear me now?” the NSA was quietly answering “Yes we can.”
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
The average person has sex 89 times a year.
This is gonna be one hell of a week.