You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
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People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care