@stacieooooo

You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.

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@Smooheed

Huh, this is a first

Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before

They must know

@LizHackett

Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”

@TomTheWicked

Daughter: why does that guy with the whistle keep interrupting the football game?

Me: because mommy isn’t there to do it.

@Chay_Raghu

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligees.

[Unfortunately,she was just coming home]

@Reverend_Scott

[wedding reception]

DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE

Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?

IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING

@Mz_Cake_Vodka

My ex got run down by a bus today.

I thought “Wow, that could have been me!”

But I can’t drive a bus.

@prodigalsam

Pretty cool to think every time the Verizon guy said “Can you hear me now?” the NSA was quietly answering “Yes we can.”

@Brampersandon_

JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred

ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*

@mjkspeaks

It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.

@SatansTongue

The average person has sex 89 times a year.

This is gonna be one hell of a week.