You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
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My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Wishing all the contacts in my phone “Merry Christmas, I hope you get what you deserve” and just letting that work itself out
I need to know what happened here in 1620.
He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭
Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.