Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”

Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.

Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?

Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?

[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.

You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.

My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go

In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny

🤬فقط في مصر 🤬

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.

Happy thanksgiving!

I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.

<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.

There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.

If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.

I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’

The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.

I was bored.

[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?

I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.

Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.

Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.

Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded

Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.

Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.

Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”

Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.

I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.

5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.

Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.

5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.

Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but

Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.

when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus