You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.
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my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
me 2 months after i graduated
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Has science gone too far?
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes
Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
me after eating Cheetos
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.