Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**

I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition

USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?

a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.

phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?

me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box

Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.

McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold

Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone

My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU

The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.

[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin

My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.

Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.

I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.

went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward

My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy

Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.

*on walkie-talkies

Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically

Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.

[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”

I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.

Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.

Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?

5: Pencils. Duh.

ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary

mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween

I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.

If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van

Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.

If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.

Her: I just feel so alone

Him: Jesus loves you

Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up