Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

25 years ago we decided that nerds were actually cool and good. now they control the world and the complete destruction of human civilization draws nigh. I have no choice but to call up the kids who bullied me in high school for One Last Job

I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.

[watching the Lord of the Rings]

Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?

Wife: Sauron’s Wife.

Me: but he’s not married lol.

Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?

Me:

Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.

People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.

Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.

Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”

Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory

No weirdos

Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah

Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful

Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.

I can’t wait til I have hearing aids, so I can just turn them off when I’m tired of hearing everyone.

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky

Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.

The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.

From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.

“That’s me in a nutshell.”

A peanut’s photo album.

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.

cellmate: how did you get here

me: i took the train

cellmate: no i mean what did you do

me: i just told you

Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall

Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.

I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back

Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.

‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.

[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on

Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!

Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ

dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.

Day 2 without sports:

Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.

[first time trying standup]

Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-

*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT

Me: Please, mom, not now

My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.