Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach

I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”

You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.

me: do you sell ducks?

him: yes, but they’re going quick

me: ok I’ll take one

[later]
duck: quick
me: I see

*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic

A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’

Me: How old is your daughter?

Her: She’ll be 4 next week.

Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.

Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.

You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.

genie: you have three wishes

me: i want 1000 ants to protect me

genie: you got it

me: psychic ants

genie: uh ok

me: make them as big as a blue whale

genie: dude what’s wrong with you

I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.

It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.

Geez man, take it easy.

This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.

Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞

Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?

AI: 17.

I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.

her: have i been a bad girl?

me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.

“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week

target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.

Her: I read on Facebook…

Me: I’m going to stop you there.

Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.

Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.

It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”

If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?

-No, I’ll order off the menu

-The buffet has more options

-That’s ok. I know what I want

-The buffet?

-No.

-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.

i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy