You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
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Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
you could not pay me to delete this app
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Watson was Holmes schooled
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Lmbo
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.