Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.

My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…

devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up

Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.

It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before

9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….

Ther’s safety in numb bears

16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’

Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’

16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘

Me: *slam

My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.

hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please

“you mean a bloody mary”

yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up

[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,

If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow

I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.

what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?

“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”

– Flash mob

I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.

Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.

I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.

The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed

Me: oh man, I love the 80s

My grandparents: we have names

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

Causes of childhood anxiety:

4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs

me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right

“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button

– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day

ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.

With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”

The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.

Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion

[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.

How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?