@jakob_huber

You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.

You Might Also Like

@DillDoes

hello 911
“whats your emergency”
there’s someone in my home
“are you safe?”
it’s a girl
“do you like her”
*starts twirling hair*
I dont know

@SunshineJarboly

*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king

@SCbchbum

The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”

@RiotGrlErin

Nobody:

Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.

@DaddyJew

Apparently shouting out “he has a gun” isn’t the best way to let everyone in the bank know that you see the security guard. I know this now.

@OctopusCavemann

[First Day Working At The Zoo]

Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.

Boss: They actually mated with each other?

Me: Oh not with each other

@Mr_Kapowski

Wife: Where are you going?

Me: I’m wearing my robe and boxer briefs so obviously I’m off to fight crime

@Babasnookie

Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it