@jakob_huber

You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.

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@ewfeez

*at snowman mortuary*
Ma’am was your husband’s wish to be liquified or broken into chunks and thrown at the people he hated?

@noog

Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.

@SeiYoung83

*looks up from phone*

Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.

@sip_at_home_mom

I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.

@MrsJekyllsHyde

Coworker: I don’t even know what’s wrong with me. *sighs

Me: Oo Oooo pick me pick me I know *raises hand with answer

@Petote

A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.

@GrowlyGrego

My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.

@Midgetspar

When someone’s all, “Words cannot begin to describe …” I’m all YES THEY CAN YOU HAVE A LIMITED VOCABULARY.

@myboots111

*Sets cellphone ringtone to sound like office fire alarm

*calls cell phone

*waits