You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
You Might Also Like
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.