All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
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“whats your emergency”
there’s someone in my home
“are you safe?”
it’s a girl
“do you like her”
*starts twirling hair*
I dont know
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
It’s a fact, taller people sleep longer in bed.
Apparently shouting out “he has a gun” isn’t the best way to let everyone in the bank know that you see the security guard. I know this now.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: I’m wearing my robe and boxer briefs so obviously I’m off to fight crime
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it