You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.

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*at snowman mortuary*
Ma’am was your husband’s wish to be liquified or broken into chunks and thrown at the people he hated?


Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.


*looks up from phone*

Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.


I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.


Coworker: I don’t even know what’s wrong with me. *sighs

Me: Oo Oooo pick me pick me I know *raises hand with answer


A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.


My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.


When someone’s all, “Words cannot begin to describe …” I’m all YES THEY CAN YOU HAVE A LIMITED VOCABULARY.


*Sets cellphone ringtone to sound like office fire alarm

*calls cell phone