You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.

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hello 911
“whats your emergency”
there’s someone in my home
“are you safe?”
it’s a girl
“do you like her”
*starts twirling hair*
I dont know


*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king


The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”



Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.


Apparently shouting out “he has a gun” isn’t the best way to let everyone in the bank know that you see the security guard. I know this now.


[First Day Working At The Zoo]

Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.

Boss: They actually mated with each other?

Me: Oh not with each other


Wife: Where are you going?

Me: I’m wearing my robe and boxer briefs so obviously I’m off to fight crime


Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it