You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
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PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
This story lives rent free in my head:
Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.
Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
i shaved my chupacabra for this?
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
I fucking love Gary Larson so much
