Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.

Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub

“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully

When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.

i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.

The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano

(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.

Me: I’m going to shower

6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!

Me: Aw, than-

6: just some make up would help

That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.

{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.

whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro

I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.

trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive

The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup

Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out

Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?

Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.

What do you call it when one banana eats another?

Cannibananabalism.

me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!

Mississippi: *crying*

ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.

reminder

Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”

[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh

When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.

ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass

HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?

My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.

I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.

What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.

Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?

I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.