You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
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I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?