You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
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Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
October 31
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.