you’d think eating your young was more filling.
You Might Also Like
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.
We made a comic about a space heater.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.