you’d think eating your young was more filling.
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We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
I will never stop laughing at this
due date
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.