You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
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[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
Actually cracking up @ this
i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say