You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
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you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
The Birdles
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.