Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.

Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?

Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?

Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.

Wife:

4 firefighters show up

Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple

Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?

Check mate

This cat wants you to take your pills

Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.

ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen

Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????

My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.

When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.

To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.

I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.

6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.

Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”

The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜

The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.

Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed

If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.

I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass

A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.

*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.

ME: i trained this chicken to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: what’s a male deer

CHICKEN: buck

ME: how much is 200 pennies

CHICKEN: buck buck

HER: this sucks

ME: it gets better

CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen

cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches

I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.

“How old are you?”

Things you say to your third child.

Sorry I just read your text from 12 years ago. Are you guys still at Blockbuster?

If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.

what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese

When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.