Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions.

“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”

YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.

Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?

I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful

I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him

Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.

APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.

NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.

I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.

The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’

Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.

restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then

“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies

if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out

The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…

devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up

Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?

~ Me as a therapist

Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance

Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?

Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot

Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?

He was going through a midlife ISIS!!

I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.

I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but

The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!

[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen

I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”

The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.

Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.

“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”

French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.

Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now

Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?

there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.

I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you

Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.

Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.

I propose we rename our seasons:

• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit

DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?