You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
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[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Canadian owl: Eh?
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Okay this one takes it home
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
*ernest hemingway voice*
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
smartest karate player in the world
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
