You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
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Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
This kid will have a bright future.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you