Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING

Murderer: What?

Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps

Murderer: omg lemme check mine

This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming.

*Comments on Facebook picture*

“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”

My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.

[napping on couch]

Son: wanna play cops and robbers?

Me: ok i’ll be the cops.

Son: you have to chase me.

Me: I can’t.

Son: why not?

Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.

Son: oh.

Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.

Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.

fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha

*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*

Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u

Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.

My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap

*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*

A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.

“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”

“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”

“That’s exactly what I just said.”

[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?

A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…

Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.

FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.

Tracklist for Donda 2

1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D

I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying

Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious

Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN

An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.

My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.

How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?

She should play the lottery too !

every. time.

“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”

– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.

No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.

Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.

[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.

“You ordered a Grande.”

Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.

“Sir, please just take her.”

I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.