You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
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[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering.
Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.
Me: How much funding do you need.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Why procrastinate now when you can always procrastinate later?
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
there was another, tinier cement truck inside
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”