You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
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Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
they should create new variants of dopamine
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.