You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
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They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Just this preview of the story is enough
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
opening twitter today
