You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
You Might Also Like
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.