Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.

Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.

“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.

Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*

Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.

“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.

Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad

Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does

That’s why I think of running everyday

Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember

Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night

Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*

Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE

Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”

If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.

Cashier: your total comes to $59

Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice

My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.

I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.

-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids

Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?

Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.

it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos

I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.

I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.

Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.

“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”

-My 5yo writing himself out of the will

Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.

-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”

I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈

[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out

I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.

Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.

Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.

Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.

My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here

[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]

Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.

6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?

Me: