You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
You Might Also Like
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
At least try to make it slightly believable
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking