Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
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Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Need this in my life lol
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.