You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
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Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
so much to do
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?
Me: Go to your room.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
This made me chuckle.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.
Husband: On it!
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero