You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
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If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!