Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.

My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy

what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?

JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all

GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this

CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*

if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time

*chases cat around the house with a lint roller

I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!

i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.

[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know

Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.

Santa doesn’t check the naughty list anymore he just looks at your Twitter account.

hear me out…

…lasagna-flavoured cologne

not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured

*licks wrists*

Pilot: we’re gonna crash

Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count

Her: yeah?

Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*

My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer

You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.

You can’t have both.

Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.

I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.

Impervious: being an admitted pervert

There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.

Idiot.

me: i wish i could go live in the woods

my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours

“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.

So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk

[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.

He is ready

#meowed #TheMeowedClub

7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!

4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!

I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.