Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*

Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!

Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.

Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?

They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.

I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.

We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10

You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.

My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately

hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?

wife: did you get the kids from daycare?

me: we don’t have any kids

wife: yeah you were supposed to get some

Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.

My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)

A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.

Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun

50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST

hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like

Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.

Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.

I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs

try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane

its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer

I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?

Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.

Banker:

Me:

Banker: I’m in.

A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”

A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”

How to make ‘Small Talk’ with an Introvert:

Step 1: Identify the introvert
Step 2: Smile at the introvert and walk away without speaking
Step 3: Understand that the introvert enjoyed your time together

Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.

I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.

Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.

Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.

You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products

(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all