you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
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I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.
I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap