you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
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it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
he’s doing your taxes
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Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
my one true gender
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Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
[eulogy]
line?
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!