you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
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First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
thank god the sign was there
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
My boss called in sick of me
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not