Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
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I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match