Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.

Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now

Bear attacking me: [bear noises]

therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin

her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say

One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.

Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.

everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will

gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination

[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows

THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK

[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback

[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito

*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*

Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.

Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.

WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!

WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF

My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.

This is a bad idea on so many levels.

Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody

Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time

You’re all using your crystals wrong. Put them in a sock and start swinging.

I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.

[First day as a waiter]

Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?

Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot

me: can I give your dog a pet?

him: sure

me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*

dog: thanks

Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me

Her: which is?

Me: exactly

My husband asked if anyone had to use the bathroom as we approached a rest stop on the interstate. When everyone said no, he responded, “Speak now or forever hold your pee” and made some dad out there proud.

If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.

Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.

[christmas]

BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!

ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.

Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering

#BatmanvSuperman

“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”

Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it

Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.

Me:

Husband:

Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.