You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
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Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬