Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new

Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.

prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago

Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.

i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.

My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor

I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.

Them: You have a debt to society

Me: Well they can get in line

Not all heroes wear capes…

Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.

“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”

My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie

In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.

While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.

If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.⁣⁣

not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout

You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?

What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.

13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!

Me: What?

13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.

Me:

13: Oh wait, that’s French.

i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play

“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”

~My son apparently

Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??

This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol

Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.

My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon

Wife: don’t forget the list

Me: I won’t

[later]

Me: [calling from the grocery store]

My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…

I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..

Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0

I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…