DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
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Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
“I love all quilts, regardless of quality.” – blanket statement
If I get kidnapped, I’ll sing Christmas songs until they hang themselves.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
I paid My 11 old $10 to do the dishes, so on her way to the bathroom I mugged her…because, you know, life lesson.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.