@BeerBatterBeard

You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.

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@rhysjamesy

So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.

@CaucasianJames

i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset

@hashtag_stacks

‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place

@coolauntV

modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”

@danielvisme

I’m not staying up all night to get lucky.

If it doesn’t happen by midnight, I’m going to bed.

@TheBoydP

My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?

@ReticentTurnip

JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees

@ThaJawn

Stick: *drowning in ocean

Dog: I’ve been training my whole life for this..

@senorwinces

Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.

@Shenaniglenns

disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project

boss: what about blood

disguised vampire: huh?

boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right

disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean