You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
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BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.