@BeerBatterBeard

You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.

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@chuuew

DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight

ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down

DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here

@Rica_Bee

Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???

Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*

@peteholmez

“I love all quilts, regardless of quality.” – blanket statement

@PowKapowBoom

If I get kidnapped, I’ll sing Christmas songs until they hang themselves.

@Browtweaten

Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?

Audience: *clapping*

Host: Sir, are you leaving?

Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer

@truegritrumble

(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?

@markydoodoo

I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”

@RodLacroix

Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!

Me: It’s Tuesday.

Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!

@RevReee

I paid My 11 old $10 to do the dishes, so on her way to the bathroom I mugged her…because, you know, life lesson.

@Desert_Musings

Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.