You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
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Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Wait a minute
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?