You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
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I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that