You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
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“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Be kind. You never know who has been asked to make four different kinds of potato dishes for each member of their family
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.