You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
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Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body