Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend

*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*

I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race

My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent

astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars

mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-

astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars

mission control: shit

It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.

oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed

If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.

my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.

me:

me: nooks and crannies?

him: it’s a kind of candy.

me: whew

Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”

Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.

“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”

If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager

Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?

A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.

Croc store. Rooster walks in.

Salesman: How may I help you?

Rooster: A Croc or two will do.

[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]

Can you believe this shit

I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.

Monday: forearms

Wednesday: forearms

Friday: forearms

Sunday: forearms

–Popeye’s gym schedule

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease

professor x: tell me more, tell me more

[spelling bee]

moderator: your word is abandon

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: everyone you love will abandon you

me: omg

moderator: lol no not even close

It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb

the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle

After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”

When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back

My ex just followed me on Twitter.

That said:

“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”

*BLOCKED*

I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.

i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in

What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?

13 seconds of eye contact.