You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
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I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
there has never been a better use of this meme
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to
?” You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks