Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋

Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway

Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.

-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you

Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.

IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.

Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.

Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”

Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?

Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.

Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.

I’m not even sorry…

ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.

I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.

I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.

[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!

Me: Oh

Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?

Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?

If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?

[varnishing an old rocker]

keith richards: what the hell man

Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …

When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.

3: Who’s that on your shirt?

Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.

3: I don’t like him.

Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?

Me:

6: I like it

Me: It’s mistletoe son

by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people

I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.

While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.

God: you’re a jellyfish.

Jellyfish: nice.

God: you have no bones.

Jellyfish: ok.

God: and no brain.

Jellyfish: oh.

God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.

Jellyfish:

God: you’re H2OhNo lol.