you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
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Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
I have chosen my priorities!
#studies #exams
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before