you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
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If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
You can’t outrun your problems…
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself