Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging

Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

Him: Tire me out baby.

Me: *feeds him pasta*

I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.

Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children

Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.

Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!

Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.

Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him

~ cats

God, creating dogs: make them smart

Angel: how smart

God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on

“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”

Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?

Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.

Now, I don’t even walk into the right room

Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.

Me: You have other pants and you wore those?

Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome

Boss: Can I have a quick word?

Me: Rapid

Boss:

[in hell]

Me: omg is that melted cheese

Satan: no it’s lav-

Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot

When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.

i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.

CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.

You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.

Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?

The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.

Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message

I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?

~ me 30 minutes into dieting

Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.

At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.

First I was a pebble..

All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading