Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.

[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do that

her: be a chef?

me: be manipulated by an animal

I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.

I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is

So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …

There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.

Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles

Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.

ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too

FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket

if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank

I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win

The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses

well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon

I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day

Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*

When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.

I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.

What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?

the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark

I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.

Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.

My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.

Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin

store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?

Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.

Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.

Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery