You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.
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“Wait, let me explain..”
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’