You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.
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Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.
She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Well, that didn’t work.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.