Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.

I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.

taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals

Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls

Friend: how many?

Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny

its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad

So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.

*Opens twitter*

*Sees Polio is trending*

*Closes twitter*

Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.

Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.

true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong

Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.

I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.

hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider

Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.

Friend: do you regret becoming a father?

Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

Friend: you want the rest of my fries?

Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.

American voters doing the deep research today before voting.

Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular

me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”

My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.

Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.

[Pulls away from kissing]

So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?

Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”

I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”

Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.

I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.

you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.

It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.

Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”

I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”