You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
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I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Mornin
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots