You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
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The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?