#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
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Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
I heard a sexy “i saw mommy kissing sata claus” which is unsettling—either the adult saw her senior mother kiss Santa (her dad?) and is horned up about it OR she’s singing about herself being Mommy having an out of body dissociation, either way, up her prescriptions
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
The guy at the Christmas tree place was pretty aggressively trying to upsell me so I said ‘calm down Spruce Lee’ and oooh boy could that kid roundhouse kick
I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Counting your noodles demonstrates an affinity for ramen numerals.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…