Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents

Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.

[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?

me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.

Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.

Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.

GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!

SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.

GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.

MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.

robbers: [leaving with my tv]

me: WAIT

robbers:

me: can you close the door

ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*

‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’

‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-

*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*

-was jumping in.’

Sorry I said your cat was ugly.

Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.

WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above

*lying in bed*

*drops chip down cleavage*

*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it

*also, mmmmm, breakfast*

Ain’t no way

Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.

I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.

I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.

I should move the bodies.

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History

Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.

Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.

[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg

I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex

What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*

If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.

[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]

Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?

Me: Virus?

Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.

Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.

Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.