You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
You Might Also Like
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.
#StormAshley
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
i did the math
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.